Dan Patrick: Welcome to the first annual LIVE CBL GM Meetings! Every team is represented tonight, and thanks to our state of the art surveillance equipment, we have direct knowledge of everything each GM will do all night. We will be sharing that with you as things come in. Please enjoy! Let’s take you live to Scott Hanson who’s running the StrikeZone channel for us.

Scott Hanson: Thanks Dan. We’re just going to jump right into things here, with our first live conversation between Altoona GM Justin Zima and his brother, Colorado GM Brandon Zima.

JZ : Yo, Brandon, who’s going to pretend to be Dallis today?

BZ: You can do it.

Scott Hanson: Wow! What a start! Who saw that coming? Thanks for watching the StrikeZone channel, where we have no commercials all day! But don’t worry, as soon as the actions over, we’ll just have one really annoyingly bright white screen that stays on all day! Let’s jump to our next conversation.

Erik Vdness, Minneapolis Millers GM: Yeah give me an ounce of the good good.

Drug Dealer (that looks a lot like former GM Gary): You got it.

Scott Hanson: Holy bananas! When will we see some real trade discussions. Let’s go to San Diego GM Tim Imasa.

TI (The GM, not the rapper): Hey Trey what would it take to get Espinosa from you?

Trey, Austin GM: Hey Tim, planning to keep him. Can’t watch him win a premiere cup elsewhere!

Scott Hanson: Well, we have our first trade discussions of the day! Trey basically told Tim to go fuck himself!

*Screen instantly goes black*

3 minutes later…

Dan Patrick: Uhh, sorry about that. I’m going to be taking over for Scott the rest of the day. Let’s head down to Vancouver GM Dan’s live cam.

*Zooms in on a white board*


Dan Patrick: It looks like they’ll be repeating next year. What a strategy. What the hell is that?

*Tucson GM Ace pops out of nowhere in front of the camera, frightening Dan Patrick*

Ace: Who’s dealing?

Dan Patrick: Everyone’s in the lobby. We’re a TV show.

Ace: Thanks bro.

Dan Patrick: Well, who knew this could be so interesting. The truck is telling me we have the father son duo of Matt and Todd Wells getting ready to head to the lobby.

*Camera zooms in on both men sitting in front of their laptops.*

As the screens come into focus, an excel spreadsheet is evident on both devices. If deciphered correctly, each half of the spreadsheet will lead to the holy grail. Understandably, both men are hard at work and say nothing. Suddenly, one speaks.

Matt: This sucks, I wish I was still in Italy.

Todd: You can pay for it next time.

Dan Patrick: What a wonderful father son moment. Apparently, we have footage of Traverse City Bullet Club GM Scott heading into Erik’s room.

Scott: Let’s spark that shit boy

Erik: *Eyes are red as hell, smiling* Let’s do it.

Dan Patrick: Sorry about that. Kids and their vices. Let’s head back to Tim, who’s arrived in the lobby.

TI: Hey Imran, how’s it going.

Imran: Good just got unpacked.

TI: Erik and Scott just tried to phone in a trade they had agreed to. I was excited until they said it was Sammy Sosa for Mark McGwire and then started laughing and hung up.

Imran: Haha clowns. Tim you want Mahomes? Make an offer.

TI: I miss Donn Roach. Former Dawg.

Dan Patrick: Oh, poor Tim. He loves all his former players. Not enough to keep them of course, but he still loves them. Let’s take a look at what Vallejo’s GM Matt is up to.

Camera pans in on Matt in a dark corner, talking to a mysterious figure. As we get closer, it’s clear he’s talking to the former Dayton GM Mike.

Matt: Hey man what’s up?

Mike: Most people don’t even know you’re still in the league. Can I just have your team?

Matt: Who are you?

Dan Patrick: Who doesn’t love some shady dealings? Let’s head down to the lobby where Regina GM Scott, Nashville GM Peezy and St. Louis GM Royce are in 3-way trade discussions.

Scott: Which one of you wants Strasburg?

Peezy and Royce at the same time: Me!

Scott: I’ve been watching Game of Thrones a lot recently, so we’ve decided as an organization that you guys will have to battle to the death with the winner getting Strasburg.

Royce: That’s the craziest thin—

*Knife goes through his heart as he collapses to the ground*

Scott: Strasburg is yours, Peezy.

Dan Patrick:¬†OH MY GOODNESS! We’re going to need a clean up in aisle Lobby! HAHA! Anyway, Let’s head over to Erie GM Troj’s camera and see where he is.

Troj: Do you think I should have the best team next year or the year after? Not sure if I want to waste a year of their development yet even tho we’re the best.

*Loud Cheer*

Mrs. Troj: Honey I don’t care. We’re at our son’s game, pay attention.

Dan Patrick: The truck is telling me we are heading to Duke of Mahoning Valley, who’s in discussions with Sy of Dayton.

Duke: I have all the good pitchers so I want Aiken too. I’ll give you anyone you want.

Sy: I’m almost done with an article so I can’t trade him yet but maybe in a few days.

Dan Patrick: Finally some new blood comes into the league and starts writing articles, and we make a joke about it. Fuck you!

*Annoying white screen pops up: See you next Winter Meetings!*

*Phil arrives, 12 hours later than everyone else, like always. Silly time zones.*

[Author’s Note: This is all in good fun, sorry if I offended anyone, it wasn’t meant that way at all.]




Erik Voldness


General Manager - Minneapolis Millers


  • Dan Courcelles

    Dan Courcelles, January 25, 2017 @ 9:26 am

    Greatest article in the history of the league. Hands down. Couldn’t stop laughing throughout the entire article lol

    • Erik Voldness

      Erik Voldness, January 25, 2017 @ 9:34 am

      Haha thanks Dan glad you enjoyed it!

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