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CBL Playoffs: Wrestlemania Version Opening Match

CBL Playoffs: Wrestlemania Version Opening Match

[Author’s Note: The following is the CBL playoffs, but if the CBL was the WWE. Some of it’s baseball, some of it’s wrestling. Pretend it makes sense.]

Welcome from wherever you are watching in the world! The day has finally arrived folks! The CBL Playoffs are here! I’m Michael Cole along with Pete Rose and Joe Buck. Let’s get right to it.

Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one-fall and will determine the HL Wild-Card Champion of the World. First, the challenger.

Coming in with an 82-80 record, a team that dealt with more injuries than Nicole and Jess combined, the Altoona Curve!

*Altoona comes out of the tunnel to a heavy roar of cheers*

Joe Buck: You know, Altoona has had some health problems, but they’re all healthy now. They’re a scary team to play in a one-game playoff, that’s for sure.

Random Fan: Shut the fuck up Joe!

Everyone hates joe buck

Pete Rose: *Laughing Uncontrollably*

Ring Announcer: Making their way to the ring with a record of 90-72, the very talented Mahoning Valley Scrappers!

*A chorus of boos ring out in the arena*

Michael Cole: The Scrappers have had a controversial history under prior regimes, and the fans clearly remember!

Pete Rose: I haven’t seen this much anger at home since my first wife would find me sneaking in from the casino at 4 AM.

Ding Ding Ding! And we’re under way!

Michael Cole: Oh! Altoona comes out firing early, keeping the Scrappers on their heels for the first few innings. As we head to the 4th inning, Altoona holds a 2-0 lead.

Joe Buck: The Curve have loaded the bases here with 1-out in top of the 4th, and they’re going for the early knockout punch as they climb to the top rope!

*Mike Wheeler gets his knee up as Oscar Tavares jumps from the top rope*

Michael Cole: Oh no! Wheeler countered at the perfect time, Tavares is down! 6-4-3 Double Play and it looks like Tavares is hurt and will have to leave the game! What a turn of events!

Through 6 1/2 innings, the score remains 2-0 in favor of the underdog Curve. The crowd is loving it. 

Joe Buck: Sing it with me! Take me out to the–

Same Random Fan: SHUT THE FUCK UP JOE!

Everyone hates joe buck

Michael Cole: And with that, let’s get back to the match. The Curve really need to fight back here, as the Scrappers have turned the momentum around this inning, putting two men on with nobody out and Harold Castro is coming to the plate.

Pete Rose: Castro is the second greatest second baseman of all-time, behind me.

Joe Buck: Here comes the 2-0 pitch, AND THAT BALL IS GONE!! HAROLD CASTRO has given the home team the lead on a massive three run bomb that landed in a different area code. What a maneuver!

Pete Rose: You can see the air just sucked out of these Curve players. What a turn of events!

*After an uneventful 8th inning, we head to the top of the 9th inning with the Curve trailing 3-2*

Joe Buck: What a ballgame. As it stands now, the likely HL MVP is the hero. Harold Castro’s three run home run remains the difference. The Curve will send up Desi Kelley, Raul Mondesi and Gregory Veliz in this all-important inning.

Pete Rose: Tim Mack remains an interesting option off the bench, although he may not be used unless we see a base runner.

*Kelly strikes out on 3 pitches, followed by a first pitch ground out by Mondesi*

Joe Buck: So it all comes down to Gregory Veliz with his team trailing by a run and their season on the line.

Michael Cole: What a great match! This will go down as one of the all-time greats!

*Veliz gets a hard, inside fastball and pulls a Roger Dorn, taking one for the team*

Joe Buck: He dove into that! He wanted to get hit, what a smart play! That puts the tying run on first base.

*Glass Breaks over the PA system, crowd goes crazy*

Michael Cole: Oh my god! That’s the rattlesnake! Tim Mack! He’s come to save the day!

Pete Rose: And the power hitting Tim Mack is coming to the plate as a pinch hitter.

*The first pitch is a ball, low and inside. Mack steps out of the box, tightens his batting gloves, and steps back in. A few shadowy figures begin to emerge in the crowd*


Joe Buck: And here comes the 1-0 pitch and MACK HAS ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED IT–

*The shadowy figures emerge from the crowd, 3 men wearing KMT shirts, and sprint toward each umpire with a steel chair*

Michael Cole: Oh my god! Tim Mack just hit his finisher, the home run, but these KMT fools knocked out the umpires before they had a chance to see it!

*Mack continues his home run trot, celebrating wildly, unaware of the carnage that has happened just feet away*

*The 3 men wearing the KMT shirts surround the ring, where Mack has finally realized what is going on. The men announce themselves as Kyle-Matt-Todd, before merging into one giant man and preparing to finish Tim Mack off once and for all before the umpires wake up.*

KMT: Mahoning Valley is our creation, and we will not rest until they have the ultimate Premier Cup around their waist!

Michael Cole: Oh no, the giant is about to finish off Mack!

Pete Rose: Mack reversed it! Mack reversed it!

*Mack rolls the Giant out of the ring before finishing his home run trot. The home-plate umpire wakes up just in time to see Mack crossing the plate and Veliz waiting nearby. He looks incredibly confused, and all the other umpires remain knocked out*

Michael Cole: What the hell is he going to call? A home run? Did he see it? Will he have to hit again?

*No Chance in Hell plays over the loudspeaker*

Joe Buck: That’s the commissioners’ music! Imran and Tim are coming down here to straighten things out! Thank God!

*The crowd is going crazy, and an MV sucks chant can be heard loud and clear*

Commish Tim: After watching that disgusting act backstage, I think the ruling is clear! What do you say Imran?

*Crowd goes crazy as Tim hands the mic over to Imran, and Tim Mack moves in closer to hear the ruling, smiling*

*Imran grabs the microphone*

Imran: Mack was out of the base line, he’s disqualified, MV wins.

*Imran punches Tim with the microphone, leaving him dazed. ROCK BOTTOM!!*

*KMT hits Mack with a steel chair at the same time, and the giant begins to stomp him.*

*Crowd starts throwing things and booing incessantly*


*The KMT giant becomes three people again, and commish Imran raises their hands to the booing crowd*

Imran: This is my league now. Bow to your king.


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Erik Voldness
Erik Voldness | General Manager - Minneapolis Millers

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